So, here is the deal. Tomorrow, Nick is “promoting” from 8th grade at his middle school. (Why isn’t it called “junior high” anymore?) And while I should be happy I am not. I am not because next year we are facing another unknown. And, by now, I have grown tired of the unknown.
I don’t just fear change…I loathe it. I loathe it because in the past, when it comes to Nick, it has been not so nice to us.
When I was pregnant with Nick, I loved, loved, loved, the idea of a new baby in our family. And until the day before he was born, we didn’t know if we were going to be blessed with a boy or a girl. I was enchanted at the idea of Matthew playing with his little brother or sister. I used to daydream about what it would be like watching the two of them as they grew up together. And I never ever truly feared that once this child was born, he would be anything but a welcome addition to our family.
And then he was born.
And two weeks later, we were faced with this beautiful boy with this devastating diagnosis. I used to long to go back in time, to be pregnant again, to have him inside my belly, where it was safe.
Throughout the years, we have gone through a myriad of teachers, therapists, doctors, and while most were wonderful, we had a few who-to put it mildly-were not.
We had a doctor who looked at my son as nothing more than an interesting case study….a different doctor who actually called my son a “jellyfish”, a nurse who didn’t have time to tend to this scared mother who was watching the son she bore poked and prodded, and needed some answers. This idiot nurse actually asked me, “Is this your first because you are really emotional?” Seriously??
And these people were supposed to be caring for my son.
So the thought of this next passage scares me. And while I know that I have done everything in my power to ensure that he will be in the best class possible with the best teacher possible, I can’t help but worry about all of the other things that I cannot control.
Will he be teased? This one keeps me awake at night.
If he is teased, will someone come to his rescue? Will some teenager have the courage to stand up to his/her peers? Would I have done it at that age? I really don’t know….and it scares me more and more.
And so I pray the same prayer again and again…”Please, God, protect my boy….guard his body and his heart. And please, Lord, put angels in his life at every turn because some day I will not be here to protect him and love him….”