Monthly Archives: November 2010

Glass Half-Full

Truly I am not a Pollyanna.  I don’t go around wearing rose-colored glasses and looking at a pile of excrement as anything other than a pile of excrement.

That being said…

I choose to look at my life as a glass half-full rather than half-empty.  Please don’t say it.  I know it is a cliché.  But there is sooooo much more to my life than the difficulties involved with having a handicapped son…or disabled child…or special needs boy…whatever the latest terminology is.

And maybe I am being just a bit simplistic, but the truth is this is my life.  And, like it or lump it, it is mine. It is mine to struggle against…or embrace.  It is mine when things are going great…and it is most definitely mine at 2am in the ER with my beautiful boy struggling to breath, or fighting mad because he is in pain and he just doesn’t know how to tell me exactly what is going on inside of him except to say–perfectly clear, mind you–THIS IS BULLSHIT! My thoughts exactly Nikopop…My thoughts exactly.

Thankfully, we have very few ER visits these days.  But, the truth is that ER visits in our household are like visits from that one person in our lives we all have…that one who shows up unannounced when the house is a wreck, and you are exhausted…the one you can’t break away from no matter how hard you try.  He or She will come over…we just don’t know when…and it is always at the worst possible time.

My life is full of…surprises.  The biggest surprise was Matthew.  We weren’t trying for our first-born.  He just happened. And as I have said before, thank God.  He has been a joy.  And then came Nick.  Who we tried for.  The child I prayed for.  And he has been a joy as well.  Through all of the tears I have shed for that boy…he has brought me infinite joy.

I probably will never fully understand the WHY behind my Nick.  But occasionally, I am witness to miracles that I would never have seen if I hadn’t been blessed with him.  And maybe I look for miracles where others would see nothing.  If so…I would much rather live my life this way than constantly seeing the negative side of things.

Most of the miracles I witness involve the development of my youngest and oldest sons into amazing men.  While the oldest is approaching twenty-one years of age, the youngest is only almost seven.  I know he is still a little boy, yet he amazes me with the way he loves his brother.  Maybe they would both be awesome young men without ever having met Nick…and then maybe they wouldn’t.

Tonight, I saw the simplest little thing.  And I almost cried.  Nick and Isaac had been sharing a bag of Cheetos (Nick’s favorite) and their mouths were covered  with cheese dust.  Isaac ran out of the room and ran back in with a wipe.  And then I watched my little boy carefully and lovingly wipe Nick’s mouth off.  He did it without thinking…without being asked to do so.  Honestly I have never asked him to wipe off Nick’s face. He just did it all on his own.  And I was truly amazed.  And thankful.  And realizing how blessed I am.

Now I know I am not alone in this…I know there are many other mothers and fathers out there of special needs children…parents who can see the joy in their lives…even in the midst of their darkest days.  I just wish others could see this as well, and not pity me or canonize me…just realize that I am a mother of three awesome young men, by the grace of God alone.



Filed under Family, Kids, Nick

Goodnight Sweet Girl

Yesterday, we said goodnight forever to our Puppers….our Jazzerini…our DJ Jazzy Jazz…or just plain Jasmine. I wrote a post a while ago about her deterioration, and my reluctance to let go.  After that post, she had perked up…started eating and drinking again.  I truly believe that she held on for my son, Matt, to get home from Wisconsin.  He was her boy, after all.  She stood guard over him while he slept…allowed him to drag her around by a leash, and loved playing with Matt.

The house seems too quiet now.

We are all in a state of shock.  I knew it would be hard.  I just didn’t realize how empty I would feel.

For 17 years, she had been with us…through three apartments and three houses.  She used to panic when we would move.  We would always take her over to the new place last.  I guess she thought we were never coming back.  Poor thing.  We would never leave her behind. Until today at the vet’s. And though I know we made the right decision….the vision of her dying haunts me.

We were all there for her…the entire family…standing in the room with her, holding her, kissing and hugging her…until she breathed her last.  It was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do.  Leaving her there was what we decided we would do.  We are not the “bury the dog in the backyard” family…or the “ashes on the mantle” family either.  And that is not to say that I think that if someone does that they are weird.  It is just not us.  But leaving her at the vet’s office was tough.  We left her with her favorite blankie, one that used to belong to my son.  It just felt right to us to do that.

Today, I scoured through all the pictures that we have, searching for the perfect picture of her…and I think I found it.

It shows her looking up at Her boy.  You can see the love in her eyes for him.  I framed this picture and am going to give it to my son…I hope it brings him happiness instead of the overwhelming sadness that is engulfing us now.

I am looking forward to the time when we will only laugh about the wonderful times we shared with her…and not cry over it having to end.

I have never before made the decision to end a pet’s life.  Why can’t they just all go to sleep and die peacefully?  Why must we have to be the ones to play God and end their suffering?

So….Goodnight Sweet Girl…Sleep Well and know that you are missed and still very much loved.



Filed under Mourning, Pets